incu_jess

Here it is. I'm still alive. I can't believe I made it to #30.

I have been saying since I was 18 or 19 I would be dead by the time I reached 30, yet I made it this far. By the skin of my teeth, no less...

I'm here in California. All by myself. Without my partner, cats or my parents. I miss them so much. My best friend is doing the absolute best for me here, but it's not the same without the loves of my life.

Looking back on my 30 years of life on this planet I am reflecting on the decisions I've made to be where I'm sitting today. Unemployed, homeless and broke. Sounds way worse than it is. I chose to do this. Now I can only hope that this leap of faith clears the canyon I'm gliding across.

I know where I've stood on past regrets, but at the moment I'm not remorseful in any way. Only missed opportunities. They will come back around again some day, maybe much better than first presentation. I can only pray that the next 30 years I am equally as healthy as I am today at age 60. If I could make it to 75 I think I can die a happy person. If I die at 40 for whatever reason, I know that I've done the very best I can do most of the time and this life was not spent in vain. God blesses the precious lives we are given and some day I only hope I can truly embrace and carry out what I'm here for on this earth.

30 years have come and gone. More will come my way. Today is another new beginning. Not like other new beginnings. No. This is a whole new volume we're about to start today. Volume 2 of my wonderful life.

No fancy party or dinner planned today. I wanted to keep this low key. I'm not celebrating with the most important people in my life. I am not whole at the moment. Only wholesome. And, in about three weeks I should be reunited with Paul and my kitties and this life can start up all over again. My life in love is sorely missed.

For now, I will hit the sheets and continue to dream of the precious moments we have. Fantasize of whats to come down the line. Only time will tell if everything will turn out the way I planned. But, it doesn't really matter if I ain't got him with me anyway.

Tonight I made the bold move of buying a planet ticket and in about 28 hours I will be on a flight to San Francisco.

4 weeks earlier...

I was coming home from a volunteer activity for Houston's Pride organization and had a really good time putting together donor packets and stamps and stuff for a mass mail-out Houston Pride does to raise money for events and the parade and so forth. On my way home I saw Paul walking to the store to get some stuff, and pulled over to give him a ride since he was so close to home he could drop me off and then take off. On the very short ride home he mentions to me, "You know? I've been thinking about it a lot and I think it's time to move to California for us. I really think this is the year we will do it." I had to be 100% on board for it to happen though. At the moment I was about 60/40 going/not going.

Before going out there we would need jobs to establish a residency. Plus, we have this lease on this apartment in Houston until December. I told Paul that I think the best thing to do is for me to go out there first, get a job and save up money for about 6 months before he and the cats move out there with me. That way, I can have a job and a car and enough money to get an apartment somewhere. We were going to settle in San Francisco and start living out a (literally) life long dream of mine to live in San Francisco and just be free to be me. Us, especially.

3 weeks ago

Paul is still not on board for me to go out ahead of the pack and scout out a place to live or get a job. Respectfully so. I totally would hate to be left behind when your partner of 9 years is out living in a place you dreamed of living one day, unsupervised. But, I still felt in my heart it was the right thing to do. We decided together after research that we should live in Pacifica, California together. Views of the ocean, cold crisp days year round and hillside apartments and houses. Couldn't be a better fit.

2 weeks ago

I asked my best friend Jessica if I could stay with her for about 6-8 months while I looked for a job and saved up money for the permanent move out there. She said it was okay and that was that. I knew I had a place to stay, however it could only be me. Her 2 bedroom house is small enough with her and 2 cats already, that moving in Paul and the cats will not really work out as she has OCD about a lot of things. Plus, my cats won't get along with her cats because they are Las Reinas in our world and no one better hurt my cats! Besides, it would be a traumatic car ride out there in a car that doesn't really work all that well anyway and if we had to come back because we just couldn't make it out there, then it would probably take away any of the lives they had left after that long drive. The more we talked about the "Hows" and the "What Ifs" the more stressed and upset he got over it and wanted to stop talking about and wanted me to stop talking and to start doing. I was thinking to myself: What on earth does he mean by that? He didn't really make it clear to me and left me with more questions. We actually on a Wednesday night around 9:00 PM decided we were going to get in our car and drive out to California, stay with Jessica and check out Pacifica and see what kinds of opportunities will be available to him since he's not really familiar with San Jose, or Pacifica or anywhere really in California. We've been there lots and lots of times but always on a vacation, where he wasn't paying attention to anything really. Just relaxing and having a good time. But, we decided against it a couple of hours later and life went on.

Last Week

Paul wanted me to put together "A Plan" for what I'm going to be doing out in California. I couldn't think about what he meant by that, as I am thinking to myself I am going out there to look for work, duh? But he was adamant about it and I didn't come up with a plan because I didn't think I was going to need a literal word for word minute to minute plan of what I'm doing out there. I called Jessica up and asked her more details about our living arrangement and got some great clarification. I sent out my resume to about 4 places from craigslist the other day and that was pretty much that. I put Jessica's address on them because I didn't want to be dismissed because my current address is in Texas. Smart move, huh?

Wednesday was really strange. Paul asked me to come up with the plan as he was dead serious about having a daily itinerary for my days in California so I came up with one. It was on the right track of what he was looking for, but needed more work. I did a second draft, a little more detailed and it still wasn't good enough. So I got pissed off and told him that I did not want to be made to feel like a child. This ended up in kind of a big type of fight between us. It was stressing me the fuck out then, so internally I just said FUCK IT and gave up the plan.

My Mom called me that night about 8:00 PM and I was having dinner with my friend Patrick at Cafe Adobe. I told her that I was having dinner and she asked me to call her back when I could. So, when I got home I called her up and she was telling me that she's having air conditioner problems at her house and that it's going to be $650 to repair it or more. Plus she already had to fork out $360.00 today for the water heater's issues she's been having. It's Texas, we must have air conditioning. It's a HAVE TO HAVE type of thing. My Mom and Dad really don't have any money saved up, or even are prepared for emergency type situations. I thought about giving my Mom the money I had saved up for California to help her out. I asked Paul and he didn't hesitate to give her the money. So I called my Mom back and told her I would loan her the money and she was so relieved by that. You could hear the worry lift from her voice and that made me feel really good. My Mom is going through some tough times, medically. Plus she's worried about losing her house or more because my Dad doesn't bring home as much as should to support the bills and stuff, plus my Mom can't work because she's going blind. That breaks my heart. So, I promised her the money and I was going to bring it to her Thursday. Internally I gave up California because Paul was stressed the hell out, I was stressed the fuck out by his stress and thought to myself, "Fuck it."

I went to the community college Thursday and changed my major. I talked to some department faculty and got a better understanding of the Process Technology degree at the school. It's a plant type job, which is so not me, but it is a great paying career and I can go many different locations and make a shit load of money. I could save the world with the income I made in about 5 years. Those plant workers are so over paid it's stupid. Anyway, I went to a temp agency to drop off my resume. I emailed the contact person for the job I saw online for a commercial contract termination rep downtown. This company I used to represent as a contractor and was a high performing employee so I felt good about the position. I thought to myself that I was going to get the job, make some money again and just live out our days comfortably here in Houston until I could finish my degree in about 2 years and then in 5 years buy a house in cash somewhere and live very comfortably.

Today.

I got up at 11 this morning and watched a show about Earthquakes around the world and how we are all going to die from one in one form or fashion. I recognized and felt good about not going to California after that show. HA! Paul came home from running some errands, I played with the cats and he made some burgers and tater tots. My favorite!! We got so sleepy around 2:30 that we both decided to take a nap. We were gonna get up at 4:00 PM and finish out the rest of the day. At 4:00 PM I heard the alarm go off, heard the snooze button get smashed. I laid in bed just savoring the cushion of the down pillow and the down bedding. The stand fan was on high facing my chest. The cool breeze comforted me. Then, at 4:30 my phone started to ring. The area code was 408. I kind of panicked because could it be? Could it really be someone calling about a job?? "Don't get your hopes up," I was thinking.

I answered the telephone and it was a recruiter for this credit union in Willow Glen that I applied for earlier in the week. I didn't remember his name he said it so fast, but I did hear he was from CESCU. So, he wanted to talk with me in an interview for the position in their call center, it pays $15.11 an hour (I was hoping for a job that paid no less than $15/hr) to start and it is close to the light rail in San Jose. We have an phone interview on Monday at 2:30 PST. He said that he needed me to start as soon as possible, and I told him I was in Texas on vacation. **SMACK HAND AGAINST FOREHEAD**. I said I was coming back to California next week and that I could see him during the week. Since he thought my address was in California already, I had to lie to him and tell him that I was on vacation. However, he was fine with a Monday meeting by phone. I told him I would speak with him no problem.

If he chose me and wanted a second personal interview what the hell am I going to do?

Tonight, tonight.

So tonight, I found myself between a rock and very hard place. I was being faced with making a decision to move my ass out there now, so when the interview goes well on Monday I will be there already for the second interview and hopefully start bringing in some more money. I felt super bad because I told my Mom that the money she was going to get from me for the A/C repairs was now going to go away. I did not want to make that call. I called Jessica and told her that I would be coming out there soon. I called my Mom and broke the news about the money and I felt so terrible. She told me not to worry about it, but I could hear it in her voice that she was starting to worry. And even more so, that I was going to be leaving soon and she wasn't going to see me again for a very long time. She doesn't know this but Paul and I got my plane ticket and I am leaving Saturday morning at 6:00 AM. She won't see me again for a very, very long time.

And this breaks my heart.

Even more so, Paul's heart is broken. I am disappearing into thin air for months and months and he doesn't know what he's going to do without me. It's like I'm going off to Iraq or something. The difference though is that we'll have phone contact. I'm going to miss my kitties, Merry and Chrissy. I am going to miss his hugs, kisses and everything about him. You can't see it right now but I am literally sniveling and crying real tears as I write this blog tonight. I tucked Paul in to bed tonight, he was sobbing away and I felt incredibly low. I came into the other bedroom and picked up my Merry and just held her and started crying, apologizing for leaving her and Chrissy like this. She for once, let me hold her and cuddled up in my arms and kept nudging my face with her head as if to tell me that it will be alright. Merry is beautiful but she is not cuddly. She's the run and hide kind of cat that doesn't like to be held or pet too much. She felt the sorrow in my heart tonight. I am going to feel so bad Saturday morning when I leave my babies. All 3 of them.

I'm going to my Mom's tomorrow to say good bye. She doesn't know I'm leaving so soon. I'm going to cry and feel so terrible for leaving but it's something that I have to do. I have to forge ahead and find shelter for us and get Paul and my family out there with me. I want to be here for my Parents so badly, but its time for me to go out and start living my life the way I envisioned it. I owe it to myself to try it and I cannot wait for Paul and Merry and Chrissy to join me as well.

Next month is my 30th birthday. Next month also makes 10 years that I've been living in Texas. I didn't make it 10 years total, but it's time to start making happy memories and happy lifes for all of us. My parents have only wanted for me to be happy in my life. I am committing myself to it now.

It is now Friday morning. I leave in about 27 hours for the airport. I can't believe this is happening all of the sudden. Tomorrow my life is going to change in so many ways. I just hope it's for the better and when I am reunited with Paul and my babies again in about 4-6 months it will be as if nothing changed a bit and we're all one big happy family again. My heart is sobbing right now but it's telling me to go. I've got a ticket to fly tomorrow morning. Destination: Unknown.

Big news in the world Sunday night! 66 years after Adolf Hitler was found dead and just 8 years after Bush's "Mission Accomplished" unaccomplished accomplishment Osama Bin Laden was killed in a mansion outside of Islamabad, Pakistan under our fabulous President's watch. President Barack Obama you are truly the man!

For a moment I was truly shocked about it all! I mean, I thought that he was going to come on the television to tell Americans about some disaster that was going on in the world that I wasn't aware of. When he said the news about "O.B.L." as the intertweets are calling him (or #OBL as he will be known forever in a twit-acronymn) Paul started clapping and said "You know, if there was any death that needed to happen it was his" or something along those lines. And while I admit he was a vile, foul person, Americans "Should" be civilized enough to not crowd the streets and act the way the Middle East acts when something bad happens to Americans in any shape or form. To quote Lord Valdemort, "I appreciate your bloodlust Bellatrix..." I get it. I just don't know if it's right for me to be so gun-ho about what just happened.

This world is about to get a little more dangerous as Al-Queda only scrambles to pull off some stunts in the name of God knows what to get back at Americans for taking out their spiritual leader. This type of event is not going to go away. And I only hope that Americans realize acting a fool like they did in front of the White House, Times Square and other places are going to come with some serious repercussions not too far down the road.

But enough on my rant on this bi-polar patriotism. Let's talk about our President. The man with class and clout. I cannot stress this enough when I saw it: I never thought he was doing a bad job, a weak job, a disappointing job or said that I was going to vote Independent in the next election because something didn't go my way. My patriotism is unwavering for our President and I have to say that this type of event in world history may have just landed him a second term. I mean, this is another accomplishment over the Republican party, which has nothing to show for itself but deregulation and political terrorism. If he doesn't win the next election it will be because another manufactured disaster will be released which Republicans say they can stop or "Fix" with limited government.

For now, however this man, our President of the United States is fucking bad ass. Seriously! He's super charming and intelligent. He looks great in a suit. Can you imagine how McCain would've handled the fucking raid on Bin Laden? It would've been raining bombs and explosions would've destroyed neighboring properties and possibly killed civilians too. The entire complex would've been annihilated and a crater the size of Trump's ego would've been in it's place a few seconds later. President Obama decided to take the 6-8 months since the breaking intelligence of Bin Laden's whereabouts to train the best of the best Navy Seals to come in and storm the compound in the dead of night and open fire on everyone in the complex to get Bin Laden. After they got him, they blew up one of the two helicopters and left the site in 40 minutes from start to finish.

This is how smart he is: By raiding the mansion that Bin Laden was living in and taking him and the other people out the Seals were able to gather computer equipment, papers and other vital information into Al Queda's terrorist network. Conservative TV and radio hosts were all like, "Why didn't he just bomb 'em?" As if the operation was a failure. STFU you uneducated blowhards! I tell you President Obama is the fucking MAN!


OBAMA 2012

A Flesh Light for William because he's gonna need it in about 6 months when the sex stops completely as her frigid vagina escapes global warming.

First of all, if you haven't seen Regretsy before you simply must check it out. Paul and I have had tons and tons of side splitting laughs from that website! It's where DIY meets WTF! Lovely!

I can't believe I'm getting so close to my 30th birthday in June. We're in the beginning of Taurus and their hungry asses and soon it'll be the dawn of us Geminis. Lord help us all. You know what is kind of scary? I have been saying since I was 18 that I was not going to make it to 30 years old. I would die of some health related death around 28 or 29 and so far, the diseases have been delayed by really good health insurance some time ago. I am extremely grateful to God for what he's given me in life and what he continues to provide me.

Speaking of things that God has given to me, I have a section here to talk about regrets tonight. How many of you have regrets? I have said for the good part of the last decade in my infinite young adult wisdom that I don't have any regrets. "Regrets make me who I am. They make me who I am today." While the latter of these inside voices is true, I don't think humans can ever not have any regrets. Not even the smallest one can be over looked. Is it human nature to have regrets?

I regret sincerely not trying hard enough senior year of high school to be the best I could possibly achieve. This poor attitude and effort kept me from pursuing a 4 year college. I let someone tell me and make me believe that certain colleges were for losers and people who couldn't get into the "Real" schools. I could've gone to San Jose State University and probably obtained a good degree and have stayed in California and lived out the dreams I had of working in one of those tech places, making way too much money and maybe take up mountain biking in the San Bruno mountains. I let complacency and, frankly arrogance get the absolute best days I could ever have taken away from me and swallowed up so fast.

However, on the flip side of not attending college and actually keeping on the path that I actually wanted for myself, I let myself sink into the lies I let myself believe and "Tried" community college for part of a semester before moving to Texas. If I wouldn't have failed at community college like I did I wouldn't have moved here, and I wouldn't be sitting where I'm at today. If I were to go back in time and actually continued on my path I was moving on, the one that counselors and mentors and scholarship programs help move me along I wouldn't be here in Texas. I would have never met Paul and my life would be completely different. If I could go back in time to 11th grade, I don't know if I would do it or not. 50% of me says hell yes, and the other 50% feels a meager "No."

I have absolutely no regrets of meeting Paul. He is my love, my life. I know I rarely share it, and often times I destroyed it all over my LJ, but those moments in time are when I simply gave up fighting. I don't like to work really hard at anything. I'm often times selfish enough to the point where I'm willing to throw everything away because I would rather keep skating in life than work hard on anything. I often times think of myself and where I would be if I was not with Paul. What kind of guy would I be with? That mystique often created tumultuous waters in my life but now I'm feeling like it was all part of the growing up process and I have no regret for that.

When I bought my house in 2009, more strings were pulled to help me out with a home loan than there were strings pulled for Halliburton in the Iraq and Afghanistan wars. I bought a home because I obsessed about having the home, the nice car and the great paying job. I kept a job I had because the money was pretty good and with that I got a car that I absolutely fell in love with because I secretly thought it would bring a level of prestige and envy to my friends and family. The SUV had a BOSE 6 Disc Changer with Dolby speakers and had the new car smell. It was 3 years old. The house was brand new complete with a new tree, new shrubs and grass. The cutest little 3 bed and 2 full bath home you would ever see. I was so proud to tell people I was a home owner and so were my parents. Great car, new house. I was sooooo unhappy. Everyone saw the lighter side of me all the time. That took such a toll on my mental health, not to mention the crappiest emotionally draining cancer I called "My Job" was causing me to slowly snap. I worked so hard to keep the car, keep the house and in the end it wasn't enough. I was frontin' and eventually I lost it all, on purpose. And do you know why? I knew it wasn't making me happy. The title of home owner, truck owner and big energy company employee with outstanding benefits and great pay was not me. Not Jesse Cervantes. That was a huge regret on my part for some time and is sort of till this day. However, I do not regret losing everything for one minute because all of it did not make me happy in the least. None.

Today we saw a movie called "I Am." It's by Tom Shadyac and it is one of those films that left an impression on my mind. Like that Tyler Perry movie, "Why Did I Get Married?" I actually had a take-away from that movie that I still keep in my mind every day. If y'all ain't familiar with the 80/20 rule y'all better get with it quick. See video below. Actually I'm posting 2 videos today. You must see "I Am" as it let's you realize that we are all inter-connected on this Earth. Life isn't about stuff, obtaining stuff or being über successful. Life is about love: Love what you do, love yourself and love each other. I'm telling you, every person on this planet, and thing matter. Whether you realize it or not your time on this planet is very short. Why are you playing this cancerous game? Take what you need. Share the rest. Your action has a reaction. It completely changed my outlook on life. So thank you Tom Shadyac.





While I was watching "I Am" at the theater, I was relieved to know that the feelings and thoughts that I keep bottled up inside were being played out on the screen in front of me. I shed the belief that people were going to immediately think I was a "Tree hugger" or "Hippie." I really don't care what people will think of me. I want to live my life in love. I want to share my love of nature and my love for the poor and unfortunate. I don't want to be Michael Douglas "Wall Street" guy. I don't even want to have more money than I could ever imagine. I just want to be happy in my life: Family, friends and cooperation.

I often say I'm going to delete my Facebook and my twitter feed. I cancelled my MySpace years ago. I didn't see the need for one since everyone migrated over to Facebook. However, now I'm seeing that I don't really want to be so connected in an artificial way to my friends and family. I don't like that we all text each other messages and send messages through social networking sites. The personality I feel in a text is often misrepresented. People's friendships, relationships and families can all end in a click of a "Post" button. Artificiality is everywhere now and my body is dying for the break I so desperately want to give it.

So, wrapping this whole thing up: "Do you have any regrets?" Feel free to leave me a comment. I really want to take the time to say that I typically will tell you I have no regrets. That is a lie and a half. I have some regrets. Some have made me stronger and some have broken me. I can't say I'm just over the moon happy right now. But, I have my health (sort of), I have a partner that was put on this earth just for me, I have two adorable and very loving and huggable cats that run to greet us every morning we open the door to our bedroom when we wake up and come home from running around town. My parents absolutely love me and respect me. I can't say having a gay son is a great thing, but the blessing is they have a son that is happy. They did an amazing job raising me and continue to do a great job being there for me. I may not be perfect but I am who I am. Regrets and all. What is your legacy for this lifetime? What will you be known for? Don't take your life and sacrifice it to our culture. Our normal is a lie. Like the great Dave Ramsey says being "Normal" means to be in debt. Try being "Weird" everybody. It might just change your life.

I can't believe I'm up this late still trying to compose a blog. The most I could come up with is BLURGH! Anyway, it's almost pointless to sit here and drum up some story or something.  Everything is ok in my life right now. I've got a great place to live. I have the most adorable loving kitties! I have a sexy husband! I'm not employed, but on unemployment thankfully. There's nothing really to complain about right now!

But don't get me wrong I'll find something. LOL! 

I'm still trying to lose weight in case you were wondering. I haven't been keeping track of my calories like I was last week but I am *trying*. Emphasis on the trying part. I still have moments of mindless binging. But, I am aware of my problems as I'm doing it. It's like my reasoning takes a coffee break and I falter. I need therapy, what can I say?

I made myself kind of productive last night and I hung up all but 4 of the bazillion picture frames we have packed up from all of our different places we've lived. If you look closely, yes the pictures might be upside down and what not but I haven't had the patience to print up new images yet. These are oldies and will be replaced. And yes #2, I understand that they are not perfectly aligned. You make do with what you got, and I have a mis-matched collection of picture frames!


The creative process is a bitch. But at least the wall is not a big blank wall anymore. And in case you are wondering why a lot of my pictures are always so yellow like the above picture, it's because the lighting in our place is behind paper lamp shades, and the light bulbs are CFL's so they give off that weird color. I notice a lot of pictures are like WTF-Yellow. I guess it's just me.

I'm not sure what to do today when I wake up from my sleep. There aren't too many days left where I can actually go outside. Summer is right around the corner and won't go away for about 6 months. So, I need to enjoy the weather while it lasts!  Sad face! :0(  I cleaned out the litter box, washed the kittie's dishes and refilled their water machine with fresh filtered ice water. Yes I have some spoiled kitties. They like the ice water! Go figure?

Ok, I guess I will be going now. My Mom *may* come by my apartment tomorrow. She never EVER gets out to Houston, and when she does it's not to see me at my apartments. Hopefully she approves of the place. I know I'm happy living here. Wow for not having any damn thing to say I sure as hell had a lot to type out in 15 minutes. LOL!

Peace out.

Warning! There are a lot of pictures of my kitties behind the cut! I love them so much!!  

Merry and Chrissy (Christmas).

Merry is the white one, Chrissy is the mulatto LOL! J/k


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( Mas Gatos! )

I am proud to say that I have lost 8 lbs by changing my diet up in one week! I can't believe it myself... in fact I'm still in shock that this even happened seeing that I am feeling heavier than ever! I guess giving up soda was the best thing I could've done! Although I would be lying if I said I didn't miss it, I can say that I'm comfortable with the drinking 3+ liters of water a day. I know, I know. I tend to get over excited about stuff and let this be the defining moment in my life. But I think this time it will be a lot different. I'm a lot more motivated to keep doing good things with myself.

Being out of work has been really good for me. I am happier and healthier too. As far as finances go we're doing ok for now. School isn't going so good for me right now though. I should've known better than to do a full fledged math course over the internet without an instructor and minimal instruction. I was actually doing alright with this up until tonight where I totally lost it. Not the interest in the math, just "It" whatever that may be. It's like trying to decipher hieroglyphics without the Rosetta Stone. I know a guy that is special ed and graduated college with an actual graphic artist degree. I cannot fathom him even knowing what the hell is going on, let alone pass all the math levels up to pre-cal/calculus classes. I just don't get this stuff and my resistance to learning it is overly senseless.

I'm thinking about dropping the class, but I know that if I do Paul is going to be super pissed. Not to mention how I would be letting myself down once again. This is the farthest I've gotten on this math course thus far. When I took the remedial class prior to this level I scored an 80 (the minimum to progress to this course) and I was on top of the damn world that day. That class was the same class I'm taking now, but with training wheels. Now I'm dying to figure out what else I can do career wise that won't involve math classes. I hate math. Math can kiss my asymptote.

And yes, I know what an asymptote is. I just don't understand why I need to know that. In fact, speaking of graphing, this entry has kind of been like a negative cubic parabola. Started out on a high note, dived down and stalled right on the joke, then nose dived again. LOL! Oh fuck me running I've got a headache now. Anyway, I should attempt to sleep again. My CPAP machine is still broken so I've been struggling to sleep since Tuesday night. Sleep depraved and slimmer sums it up right about now. LOL!